Started At The Bottom

September 22, 2019 supriyasurenderLeave a comment

Somedays I post on my Baldie Boo Instagram and get comments from people telling me they wish they could be as brave as me. It is the best to receive compliments like that, but when I read them, I feel like that puzzled giphy. You know the one. Where the girl is standing there confused as math problems swirl around her head. Brave is never a word I’ve associated with myself. Except on days where I’m having an anxiety attack and I repeatedly tell myself to be brave over and over again. Which just happened to happen today while I was driving to a friend’s wedding shower. Do any of you get driving anxiety? I do and it can be THE WORST. I spent a solid 30 min telling myself to be brave while trying to convince my brain that a semi was not going to plow through my car on my way up North. It is like I am an American Ninja Warrior and everyday my brain is giving me a new warped wall to scale.

Anywho, it got me thinking about my alopecia journey. How did I go from the girl who would have rather eaten fried worms than appear in public bald, to the girl who now has a social media dedicated to her bald head and just went to work wig free?!? I came up with a list of things that helped me get to this point and I thought I’d dig deeper into each one in the coming weeks.

This week’s contender—attitude of gratitude! Raise your hand if your life completely changed after watching ‘The Secret’ and you’ve spent every day since waiting for checks in the mail! *Raises Hand* Seriously though, I know some people think it is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but I swear it’s a real thing! The more things in life you can be grateful for, the happier and more fulfilling life becomes. I’m not completely unrealistic about. I know I could write “I am so grateful and thankful for my beautiful hair” 84 trillion times a day, and my head will stay as bald as can be (said from personal experience because you know I tried!). I get it. BUT I find that journaling things I’m grateful has helped me heal over the years. When I am not actively seeking out things to be grateful for, my brain has a tendency to dip into the emo side of life. You know how it goes—

“UGH I don’t have hair wahhh”
“Why is my life always so hard wahhh”
“Nothing ever works out in my favor wahhhh”
*Turns on early 2000 Avirl Lavigne and sits in a corner and sulks*

When I seek out things to be grateful for, I feel lighter. It makes me feel like I am a hop, skip, and a jump away from finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Which is why I love to write in a gratitude journal every night.

Putting those uplifting words to paper helps them become engrained in my brain. It helps me feel strong when I’m not sure if I have strength. It makes me feel in control even on the days where alopecia feels like it has taken all control. It makes me feel refreshed and like a new woman ready to take on the world! The funny thing is, the more I find to be grateful for, the more positive I feel. The more positive I feel, the more pieces of my life start to fall together. The more pieces of my life start to fall to together, the more grateful I feel. And so, continues the circle of life!

So where do you begin? I suggest start small so it is not too daunting. Three things everyday that you are happy and grateful for. Annnd GO!

One of my favorites is “I am so happy and grateful I am 100% healed inside and out!” I’ve written this one for years, and I’m sure you’re thinking…ummm if you were 100% healed wouldn’t you have all of your hair and no anxiety?! Possibly, BUT I will tell you one thing, I have more confidence and happiness now than I ever did when I had hair. To me, that is far more healed than I have ever been in my entire life. Just give it a fighting shot and let it work for you too!

PS This week was extra exciting for me because one of my followers (@ishii_fishii) was inspired by my ‘don’t bring your wig to work day’ and followed suit! She stepped into her office minus wig, minus scarf, plus a boat load of amazing and supportive coworkers in their alopecia blue! I thought my heart was going to explode when I saw her coworkers celebrating her mental victory!! If you get a chance, stop by her Instagram page and give her a shout out. I am sooo proud to have been a very tiny part of her major win!

Looking back on my life like, “How in the world did I get here?!”

Alopecia Unleashed My Inner Diva – Lady Alopecia Guest Post

May 19, 2019 supriyasurender2 Comments

Friends, I’d like to introduce you to Lady Alopecia! I am so honored to have her take over my blog today with this AMAZING post! It won’t take long for you to figure out exactly why I am BEYOND excited to have this funny, inspiring, glitter fueled, radiant spirit guest post on my page. Lady Alopecia, your confidence and light shine through in the words you share. Thank you for being a part of my blog, and most importantly thank you for being such a wonderful and supportive baldie friend! xoxoxo

When I was growing up, my hair was a big deal. Strangers would ruffle it. Relatives would ask where the hell it had come from (cue the milkman jokes) and I’d often get stopped in the street for some randomer to tell me how unusual it was. How lucky I was to have such beautiful auburn curls.

Unsurprisingly, I grew pretty attached to my hair.

So when it decided to detach itself from me, the person who’d given it a home for 10 years, it felt like a big ol’ slap in the face.

Being a teenager with alopecia was tough. I was in boarding school and… well… bitches aren’t always cute dogs, right?! I got very good at shrinking, at hiding, at making myself invisible. I was pretty tall but managed to fold in on myself most of the time.

Still, at least the patches weren’t too bad back then. I had them under control.

But later, in my mid-20s, the patches grew bigger and bigger. Taunting me – the more I’d try to hide them, the more they’d reveal themselves.

After a few years of wig wearing, I decided that I was sick of hiding my alopecia, of feeling like I was hiding my true self, too. So I did what any rebellious soul would do – I made a statement. I told alopecia to f**k right off and stop controlling my life. And I pulled a Britney and shaved my head.

I thought I’d feel strong, liberated and fierce afterwards.

But instead I felt weak. And scared. And very very bumpy-headed.

As kids we used to have a “board race” during our school’s Sports Day. Basically, you’d have to balance a board, about the size and weight of a hardback novel, on your head and walk as fast as you could to the finish line. Like if America’s Next Top Model did relay races – only the straight-backed, flat-headed stood a chance.

Anyway, as I clapped eyes on my shiny new bald look, I realised why I’d never made it more than a few steps with that damned board! Because a bump the size of an egg rose out of my already egg-shaped head. I was like a novelty Easter egg. What had I done?!

Still, I’d made the decision to stop wearing wigs and I was sticking to it. And so I began rocking my bald head out, free from wigs or headscarves, for the first time in 8 long years.

Embracing the bald was a big risk, sure – but it definitely paid off. The support I received was phenomenal and I began feeling more comfortable in myself than I’d ever been, even with a full head of hair.

One of the best moments was returning to choir. A community choir that sang soul music (and wore a lot of sequins!), made up of women and men from all walks of life. When I joined the previous year, I knew I’d found my tribe and Wednesday evening rehearsals were the highlight of my week. After all, how can you feel down when blasting out Try a Little Tenderness with some of the warmest, most inspirational people you’ve ever met?

They’d only known me with my wigs and headscarves so I was nervous going back into that room. But the flurry of hugs and the amazing words I received lifted me right up. I laughed and joked about my baldiness and for the first time, I learned to speak openly about my alopecia without welling up.

Over the next few weeks, I got so used to my new look that I forgot all about it at times! Until I’d glimpse a pale beach ball bobbing past a shop window and I’d realise it was just my reflection. Oh well.

The funny thing was, once I’d accepted my alopecia, my hair grew back!

Tentatively, a downy fuzz spread across my scalp. Within a few weeks, I was less of a Mr Potato Head, more of a Donald Duck. Until eventually I had a head full of the short stuff…

… For a grand total of 2 months. Then a sneaky patch popped up on the back of my head. Which spread…and spread…and you can guess the rest. This time, I took control early on. I went to the hairdresser, asked her to shave my remaining hair into a mohawk style and embraced my new look.

And you know what? I’m pretty happy with how it all turned out! Because I’ve finally found my own voice, my own style, instead of trying on others’ for size.

Example 1

I’ve always been partial to a bit of glitter – even more so when I joined that choir. But shaving my head gave me permission to stop playing safe and to start afresh. To use my bald head as a blank canvas for all kinds of colourful creations.

Nowadays, I decorate my mohawk with flowers, feathers, fairy lights… you name it, I’ve tried it. My friends even know me as The Glitter Fairy. And I carry a vial of the shiny stuff in my bag at all times. Just in case. 😉

Example 2

Festivals are my favourite things on earth. I used to go to them with flowery headbands, or a colourful wig if I was feeling particularly cray-cray. And now? I spend the entire 3 days in a range of elaborate costumes – homemade wigs, sequinned wings, elaborate fake eyelashes made for drag queens but claimed by me… let’s just say, I’m no longer trying to hide!

The thing is, I’ve spent so much of my life trying to blend in. But now that I’ve accepted my alopecia, even learned to love it in some ways, I’m happy to stand out.

Sure, there are days when I get sick of the attention.

Like when I’m sweating like crazy, cycling in 100° heat and an entire cafe of Vietnamese people turns to point and laugh at my shiny head (mohawks don’t stand too proudly in the heat). Just like there are times when I’d give anything to complain about a bad hair day.

But having alopecia has led to so many positive experiences. And it’s made me braver in every sense. Not just dealing with this shitty condition and with all it entails – but being able to put myself out there, to not worry what people think and to express myself in whatever way I choose. Sometimes the experiment pays off; other times I look less like Furiosa and more like Sideshow Bob. But that’s all part of the adventure, right?!

After all, the Björks and the Grace Joneses of this world don’t shy away from the limelight. Or from their wonderful weirdness, their need to embrace and display the strange. They’re the people who inspire me to connect with my inner diva. And to help others embark on their own shiny, glitter-filled journey.

That’s why, bald and bold, hairfree and carefree… I’m proud to be Lady Alopecia.

Connect with Lady Alopecia:

Lady Alopecia is a copywriter, yoga teacher and alopecian currently living in Hoi An, Vietnam. Read more about her adventures on her website or follow her on Instagram.

Brows Or Bust

April 29, 2019 supriyasurender2 Comments

You guys. I’ve been sick as hell this past week. I thought I could push through and force this thing out of me until Friday night hit. I had the energy of a sea slug riding the struggle bus. I went to bed with the chills and woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. I got up to pee and ended up laying on the bathroom floor covered in sweat. When I woke up, I took my butt to the urgent care and got myself some antibiotics. I proceeded to spend the rest of my Saturday horizontal. I cannot remember the last time I was so worthless. Walking to the kitchen took all of my energy and I could barely eat. Luckily the antibiotics seem to be working because I woke up Sunday morning feeling better. By better I mean that I can stand for 5 minutes without requiring a chair and/or bed to crash in. I’m still far from 100%, but I think it is safe to say I am on the mend. *knocks on wood*

My boyfriend was getting ready to take me to urgent care when I said, “Wait let me draw on my eyebrows first!” I walked my feeble body to the bathroom and did some speed eyebrow drawing. I also slapped on some mascara for good measure. Did this make me look any better? HECK NO. I still looked sick AF because I was sick AF! So, I have to ask myself why?! It was literally 7:15 in the morning on a Saturday. What was I so scared of?? First of all, half the world is barely awake at 7:15 on a Saturday. They surely aren’t at the urgent care. Second of all, who cares if they are?! If they are there, they are likely dealing with their own medical issue and could care less if I drew on my eyebrows that day. Lastly, if someone did see me in this state, it would most likely be a stranger so why does it even matter? It is in passing. It is someone who I may see for a few minutes and will never see again for the rest of my life. Why was it SO important for me to put on brows and mascara? I don’t really have an answer for this. I think it is just one of my underlying alopecia insecurities. Maybe one day I will give no fucks and not give it a second thought, but today I still give some fucks and brows and mascara is as minimalist as I get.

Wigs And Insurance

April 14, 2019 supriyasurenderLeave a comment

Every now and then I have dreams that my hair has grown back. Last night was one of those nights. My hair was back and I was so excited that it was FINALLY long enough to wear in a sloppy bun! For whatever reason Miley Cyrus was also in my dream and she was stoked for me. Needless to say, I woke up with no sloppy bun and no hype girl Miley. Shoot!

Today I wanted to write about alopecia and insurance. When I lost all of my hair, I was shocked to find out my insurance did not provide coverage for wigs. After some research I learned that this is an all too common thing in the alopecia world. Apparently having your immune system attack all of your hair follicles leaving you with less hair than you had at birth is not reason enough to provide coverage. It is cruel and so completely unfair. Especially since human hair wigs typically cost $1000+ on a good day. Reality is that most HH wigs are at least $2000 – $5000 depending on length, density, and cap. If you want a cap that adheres to your scalp without tape or glue, you have to shell out the big bucks. The human hair wig industry is designed for the rich and fabulous, but alopecia doesn’t give a crap about your income bracket.

So, what should you do? Try to get your insurance to pay for it even if they say they won’t! I’m not saying that this will work for everyone, and even if they decide to pay, it is very likely that they will only pay a percentage. Either way, money is money and its worth a shot! I submitted a claim for my first wig and ended up getting 6% back! This sounds like nothing, but my first wig was expensive AF and 6% was WAY better than nothing. Especially since insurance said they’d cover 0. Here is what you should do:

• Get a prescription or a letter from your doctor explaining the reason why you need a cranial prosthesis. This should include a diagnosis code.
• Purchase your wig from a salon that knows how to create an insurance friendly invoice. The receipt should not say ‘wig’ anywhere on it. Your purchase should be billed out as a ‘cranial prosthesis’ (because that is exactly what it is).
• The salon will need to include the proper insurance code along with their Tax ID.
• Submit the claim and hope for the best!
• If they deny it, CALL! Call and talk to supervisors or whoever you need to until they understand that this is not a normal claim. My claims have always been denied until they get sent to the complex billing department. Be your own advocate! A no does not always mean no. To me a no just means you haven’t talked to the right person in the department who can help.

After my first wig, my company’s insurance switched over and they now offer partial coverage. Even so, it has taken me months to get each claim processed correctly. Each time it is initially denied. Then after months of phone calls it gets approved and processed. Every. Single. Time. This is why I say you MUST be your own advocate!!

For me, beautiful wigs helped me with my healing. If it weren’t for Follea, Yaffa, and Shuly, I don’t think I’d be at this place of peace that I am. I want insurance to get on board with helping every alopecian get to this same place of peace by eliminating that financial hardships that come along with hair loss. My hope is that one day they will hop on board, but until then keep fighting for yourselves friends!

Dating In The City

March 31, 2019March 31, 2019 supriyasurenderLeave a comment

Last week my mindset was all off and I spent an entire weekend being jealous of every girl with hair on Instagram. On Monday I reset my noodle. In the past couple weeks, I’ve been so caught up with life and trying to figure out next steps that I’ve let gratitude journaling go on the back burner. Now I’m back at it AND I downloaded a gratitude app to help me focus on the things I DO have throughout the day. I may not have hair, but I surely have a lot of other things going for me. I know some people think law of attraction and gratitude is mumbo jumbo, but for me it has always helped me turn my frown upside down.

Today I wanted to write a post about everyone’s favorite topic…DATING with alopecia…dun dun duuuuun. I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve never been a good dater. In the past I’ve been told I have a “broken picker”, but the reality of the situation was that my picker was broken, twisted, and backwards with a mind of its own. If you followed my blog from day one, you know that alopecia entered my world at the end of a very toxic relationship. Boy bye. Hair bye. Rude! In my opinion, this is no coincidence. I’m not going to say I was perfect because I was far from it and I made some massive mistakes. However, I probably would have avoided a ton of poor life decisions, heartache, disappointment, and hurt had I left many moons before the relationship combust. I pulled the classic girl move and stayed with the hope that he would eventually become the man he was man he was when we first. Has there ever been a relationship in history where this game plan actually worked? Why do we ladies always do this? I stayed when I was crying every day. I stayed when every day was filled with unbearable anxiety in anticipation for the next hurtful thing that was most certainly going to happen. I stayed when trust was broken, and bridges were burnt. I stayed when I completely lost myself and was acting out in ways that I can’t even believe were me. In ways that go completely against my core beliefs and morals. This toxicity imprinted on my body. My body handled the emotional strain until it couldn’t anymore and started to manifest the pain physically. I believe this is what triggered me to lose my hair. I believe the universe was grabbing be by the shoulders, violently shaking me to get my life together, and begging me to let go and move one. Begging me to fill my life with people who healed me and mentally cut this person out. I finally listened and moved the hell on! Thank you, little baby Jesus!

After losing my hair, I assumed I’d be single for the rest of my existence. After losing my eyebrows, I completely gave up on ever finding a life partner. I could not imagine a man being okay with a chick who looked like a little brown alien when her hair and makeup came off. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror, so I couldn’t imagine a guy looking at me and thinking, “Oh yeah! Sign me up for that!” I had succumbed to the fact that the only men in my life would be pets. I got to a point where I even made peace with this. To me it was a win win. A pet couldn’t yell at me, put me down, lie to me, or stomp on my heart. Seemed like a no brainer!
One day I realized I didn’t want to be alone forever. I think I always knew this, but I finally admitted it to myself. As many times as I joked that nobody wanted a bald/eyebrowless gal, I secretly hoped that there was a nice guy out there who did. I decided I’d join the millennials and download the apps. I tried a few…tinders, bumbles, coffee meets bagels etc. Downloading these apps made me realize I’m the WORST at online dating. I’ve never been the casual dating kinda gal, so having to form a connection with someone through an app was my worst nightmare. There was also the big bald elephant in the room. Should I be forthcoming about my hair loss on my profile? Should I post a bald pic? Should I tell the guy in our first message? Is it rude of me not to tell him? What happens after I share this fact? Is he going to ghost? Is he going to be mean to me? Is he going to tell me to keep my wig and makeup on at all times? Is he going to tell me I’m unattractive when I’m not done up?

I was not used to dating good men, and I assumed the worst of the worst of every guy I swiped on. This is why I pretty much never swiped right. Every time I opened an app my head flooded with these concerns. Every now and then I would get enough courage to message with a guy, but I would immediately ghost before he had the chance to ask me on a date. I would tell my friends it was because the conversation was boring. The truth was that I was too scared to let myself be vulnerable and share my truth with a man who could hurt me. There was a time in my early 20s where I had men in my life who were so cruel to me about my weight. I remembered how badly it crushed me. Yet it was also something I could control. As unhealthy as this sounds, I knew I could lose weight if I never wanted a man to be mean to me about my weight again. However, I had no control over my alopecia. If a man was mean to me about my bald head, there was nothing I could do change it. There was nothing I could do to make him love me. It sounds so f’d up and it is. What I should have thought is, “If I a man is mean to me about ANYTHING, BOY BYE! See you never!” Instead I let these fears and insecurities hold me back from putting myself out there.

After my 35th birthday (after much gentle nudging from my BFFs) I FINALLY said yes to going out with two different guys I matched with on good ol’ Tinder. I made the decision not to tell either of them about my alopecia before the date.

Date 1
Let’s call him Gaston. Dude…Gaston was very touchy. (red flag) Like bro back off touchy. We were at a non-boozy brunch on a Sunday afternoon. Keep your hands to yourself sir! I had been out of the dating game for so long that I didn’t know if this was what the kids were doing these days. We were sitting next to each other at the bar of a brunch place, and I moved my bangs out of my face. Welp his first instinct was to reach over and move my bang out of my face. In doing so, he immediately touched my wig and froze, and I froze. My sweat mustache instantly started beading up. He looked at me and said, “Are you? Is that a…” to which I responded by shouting “I HAVE ALOPECIA!!” Played it really cool cow girl. He quickly asked what alopecia was and I explained. I was a nervous wreck. It was not in my plan to talk about any of this. I was shocked to realize he was okay with it. He even said it was cool that I could change my hair up with and wear different styles anytime I wanted. I told him I wanted to get a short wig, and he said “No! I like my girls with long hair” (reg flag) Then he randomly said, “You know what, nobody is perfect. I’ll tell you something about me…………..I’m lactose intolerant.” YOU GUYS. HE WAS NOT KIDDING AROUND. He was comparing my hair loss to him getting the toots after eating cheese. (RED FLAG) Finally at the end of the date, he scooped me up like a small child in the parking lot. (red flag) So yeah, that was the end of that.

Date 2
Let’s call him Joe Camel. This guy was super nice. We met at a bar to grab a beer and just chatted and laughed the night away. He stopped the conversation to take off his hat and tell ME that HE was bald!! He wanted to warn me incase that was a deterrent!!! I was shook. I immediately responded with, “Well I have alopecia and I am bald too!!!” We had a laugh about it and just went on with the conversation. The date was very fun, but he was smoker (spew). He even left the date to smoke a cig. I wasn’t feeling a romantic spark, and this is why I declined a date two. He was a great guy though, and I’m sure he is out there making some gal happy now.

Shortly after that, I threw in the towel on online dating. I would keep swiping here and there, but had completely lost interest in trying to connect with people via an app. Even though my first two dates were totally cool with my alopecia, my fears about people’s reaction to this disease paralyzed my dating progress.

I bet you’re wondering how the heck I got me a man without online dating. Welllllll…that is a story for another day 😊 I will share a few things about him though! I’ve never in my life been with a man who is so sweet, kind, and caring with my heart. My cat LOVES him! He is my best friend and he makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the entire world no matter what I look like. I could be done up to the nines or a hot mess morning alien face. He always makes me feel so loved no matter what and my heart is so full. I’d say my picker is finally fixed!!

I want my fellow alopecians to know that there are good humans out there who WILL love you and all your alopecia beauty. Having no hair just gives you a leg up because you can quickly weed out the people who don’t genuinely care about you for you. If someone is awful to you about your hair loss, that is 10000000% a reflection on themselves and has NOTHING to do with you. When someone is kind and accepting, that is the kind of person you DESERVE to have! Don’t sell yourselves short and keep the faith!

I got the baldie blues

March 24, 2019 supriyasurenderLeave a comment

I’m having one of those weekends where I feel jealous of girls with hair. I am emotionally cutting and scrolling hair envy pics on Instagram that are causing a giant jealous knot to build in my stomach. Since starting this blog, I’ve found it easier and easier to be positive about this disease. I’ve met so many rad chicks and dudes who are killing the alopecia game. They inspire me daily and have helped me accept this for what it is. But today I’m just feeling annoyed. When this all started, I always assumed my hair would come back. Now, I am less than 2 months shy of my FOUR year goodbye hairaversary. You’d think by now I wouldn’t even care. Yet today I scrolled page after page on Instagram feeling envious. This feeling of envy was immediately followed by a feeling of guilt. Guilt because so many of my friends are going through medical journeys that are so much harder, so much scarier, so much more trying. Guilt knowing that I have my health yet am sitting here throwing a pity party for no good reason. So yeah, I suppose its just one of those days where my sensitivity is at a level 847 billion. What do my fellow alopecians do when you have the baldie blues?

Alopecian Working Woman

March 10, 2019 supriyasurenderLeave a comment

Imagine this. Your hair is falling out by the handful. There is not a second of the day that passes where hair is not falling all over you. Nothing is stopping it. All you want to do is curl up in a ball under a cover and hide from the world. But shit, you can’t do that. You’ve got to pull your life together and go to work. Heck man, you’ve got bills to pay! Doctor appointments are not cheap, and insurance will laugh at you for wanting to get your experimental treatments covered. This is life with alopecia. This was my life with alopecia.

I had been working at my job for 4.5 years when I lost my first handful of hair. In fact, I was getting ready for work when it happened. I was on a conference call the day I realized the hair on my arms was gone. I was in my office cafeteria when I tearfully begged my doctor’s nurse to squeeze me in for an appointment to figure out what the heck was going on. I was in my cubicle the first time somebody panicked when they saw me and thought I had cancer. I was at the doctor’s office an hour before going to work when I learned that my immune system had fully turned on me and was going to more than likely take all my hair. The point is, alopecia and my job had somehow become super intertwined.

So how the heck did I find a way to balance the struggles of work with the struggles of alopecia?
1. I shaved the last of my hair and started wearing a wig. You can’t be distracted by hair falling on you when there is no hair to fall. Wigs can be a challenge and require their own adjustment period. They can get hot during the day, they can itch, they can feel uncomfortable. For me, it was worth it to just feel a bit more like myself. It was worth it to not have people see me as this Gollum looking chick on a quest for a ring, and see me as the way I used to (sorta) see myself.
2. I found a coworker friend family. Basically, I have a hype squad. It is pretty lucky if you ask me. If I was having a day where the struggle of transforming into a little bald alien was making me want to cry, I had my pick of friend cubicles that I could duck into to shed a tear or 8000.
3. I got help. My depression was the worst of the worst when this all went down. My morning ritual consisted of me taking a picture of my head to see if there were any changes and then crying. Taking a shower and losing disgusting amounts of hair under the water and then crying. Looking at my hair in the rearview mirror of my car and then crying. Getting to work and walking into a bathroom stall and then crying. You get the picture here. It was a year and a half of releasing enough tears to start my own bottled salt water business. Jokes aside, my mental health was completely shot. I had thoughts of wishing semi-trucks would hit me on my drive to work to end it all. It was that bad. Finally, I made the best decision of my life. I found a psychologist. Alopecia is such a crazy disease. It effects your hair, but it truly can take a toll on your mental health. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the posts I read in the alopecia support group I am in. I know this from the messages I receive on my Instagram. I know that so many of my fellow alopecians are struggling and are having the same if not worse thoughts. I’m telling you friends; a little therapy goes a long ass way. Especially if you are career driven. It will give you a way to deal with your emotional struggles so you can come into work and be your best you. I’m not talking about the fake smile on the outside, weeping on the inside you (case and point me). I’m talking about the real smile on the outside, mostly smiles on the inside, ready to make that money you. Alopecia is a jerk who can take your hair, but it should not be the thing that takes your promotion!! Plus, wigs are hella expensive and you’re going to need that promotion money if wigs are your jam. 😊 But seriously, please, please, please get help if you’re struggling with this disease. Life is too short, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have success, you deserve to have it all! I can’t emphasize this enough.

dc29f9dc-1b3b-4f0c-85cb-4d211404f3cd — Pre-work alopecia pic

4. I opened up. At first, alopecia was my big secret. My coworker hype squad knew, but nobody else did. I expended a lot of energy hiding. I was perpetually afraid that someone would figure it out. I felt guilty if someone complimented my hair because I knew it wasn’t MY hair, it was my wig. I lied and told people I got extensions when I got a new longer wig. I was so scared that people would notice that my hairline periodically shifted throughout the day. I was scared that I’d accidently wipe my drawn-on eyebrow off while sitting at my desk. I thought for sure someone would look at me and realize my eyelashes did not exist. Constant anxiety. Then one day, I shared my story on Facebook. I made post public, and many coworkers who weren’t my fb friends could see it. The support blew my mind. It makes me wonder what I was so afraid of. Let’s say hypothetically, someone chose to be mean or shitty about it. Doesn’t that speak more about them as a person than me as a baldie? Now a days I’m very open about my alopecia at work. The energy that I used to waste hiding my bald girl secrets, I can now use to grow my career. What I realized is that I am a strong independent woman who don’t need no bald secretes to succeed!!

e4ee8de1-e812-4f66-8214-2522d17b4100 — Working Woman

I share my story to help. I wish there was a one sized fits all solution for alopecia struggles. I wish I could wave a wand over all my struggling baldies out there and help you get to where I am now. Sadly, its just not that simple. It is a journey and it takes time to find your new normal at your job or elsewhere. Never forget that your emotions are valid, your struggle is valid, it is not just hair, and you deserve a great freaking life!!!!!! You deserve to go into work and crush your job. Even if you’ve lost your happiness and drive along the way, I truly hope you never give up the fight to find it. You will find it. This I can promise you. Lots of love to you all!! Love, your little Baldie Boo.

Shout Out To My Scary Face

February 24, 2019 supriyasurender1 Comment

This one is a shout out to what I kindly refer to as my “scary face”. The one that I’ve been most scared to share with anyone let alone the world. The one that felt unrecognizable even to me. The one that’s cried endless tears, felt endless guilt, and felt completely alone.

I’ve apologized for this face when others have had to see it. I’ve looked at this face in complete disgust. Who is this? Where did I go? When will I come back? I’ve been angry at this face for being a part of me.

This is a shout out to this face that didn’t give up on me. That held out hope when hope felt impossible. That just kept swimming when I was drowning. That slowly but surely became a part of me. That is a part of my story that I’m choosing to no longer hide. That is a part of my story that I am (dare I say) proud of.

This is a shout out to my “scary face”.

Go Shorty…Its my Birthday!

February 5, 2019 supriyasurenderLeave a comment

You guys…it’s happened. I’m officially closer to 40 than I am 30. I suppose technically that happened when I was 35 and 1 day, but from my brain’s perspective it didn’t happen until yesterday. Dun dun dunnnn. If 36-40 is anything like this bday weekend, then I have nothing to be afraid of. *says this while knocking on wood*…*okay it is fake wood..Target night stands for the win* I spent Saturday turning up with 30 something of my favorite humans. We went to Howl at the Moon and danced our little booties off!! If you’ve never been to howl, it’s a dueling piano bar that has a club/dance partayyy feel. 10/10 recommend if you like to drop it like its hot and take jell-o shot out of syringes. 0/10 recommend for food. We ordered cheesy tots that tasted like frozen tots that were microwaved for 37 seconds and served with luke warm nacho cheese. Which is fine because who gives a shit when you can distract yourself by dancing to pianos playing Cardi B?!

These last few months I’ve tried to focus more on things I’m grateful for. I truly believe you can change your life if you shift your focus from bitching about the bad to being thankful for the good. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not Susie sunshine and rainbows 24/7 365, but I’m doing may best to push out negativity from my life as best I can. That is why I’m choosing 5 things about ALOPECIA that I am grateful for. I will always think this disease is a douche canoe asshole, BUT today is my quest for the silver lining!

1. Faster than the speed of light…she is ready! – I can leave the gym sweaty as hell, and look fresh faced and ready to go in 30 min. I can do it in under 30 min if I just wipe the sweat of my dome and throw on a wig. When I had hair, there was literally no way to accomplish this without looking like a ratchet mess. Win!
2. Aint nobody got time for shaving – Not having to shave is the biggest blessing of all time. I don’t have to worry that I will have stubble 30 seconds after getting goosebumps. I don’t have to consider getting a blood transfusion after slicing open my leg in the shower. I don’t have to start saving for laser hair treatment. I don’t have to spend stupid amounts of money on razors each one. Badabing! Win!
3. Maybe she was born with it…maybe its Maybelline – Before alopecia, my makeup skillz were mediocre at best. I’m by no means Ash Holm or anything now, but I’ve learned a smidge more about how this makeup shiz works. I’m no longer deathly afraid of fake lashes or red lipstick. Heck by the end of this year I may even learn how to contour my face!! Either way I’m having so much fun with it. Sooooo…WIN!
4. I got friends in low places – I have made some of the BEST baldie friends on the planet through this disease. Literally humans I have never once met, but are my ride or dies. I am forever grateful for the people alopecia has brought into my world. Without them, I probably would have never made it to this place of healing. Win!
5. My cupeth fulleth – This blog has brought so much damn fulfillment into my life. It’s given me a sense of purpose and a drive to do more and do better. It is a feeling that I always knew was missing, but never knew how to attain. As a friend once said to me, “When you go through something traumatic, first you grieve, and then you determine what you can take from it to serve yourself and serve others”. I think I’m finally figuring it out. Win!

I know this list is silly, and if you’re experiencing hair loss, there is a chance you are scoffing at the thought of a silver lining. If you had told me 3 years ago there would be a silver lining, I would have probably kicked you in the shin. Now, I am holding onto hope that you will find it glimmer of hope. Last year I witnessed a lot of hard things happen to a lot of good friends. It has shaken me to my core. I realize more than ever that life is TOO DAMN SHORT to be ungrateful. I’m going to continue working on being grateful and maybe you will too, or maybe you will tell me to go suck a bag of Ds. Either way lets go live our best lives boos!

Get Me Off This Ride

January 27, 2019 supriyasurenderLeave a comment

Hello my little boo thangs. On Friday I was chatting with my friend Zigs about this blog. Zigs has been one of my biggest blog supporters from the jump. She mentioned how crazy it was that she didn’t know anything about alopecia until we became friends. It is kinda wild that something that impacts my life so deeply is also something a lot of people haven’t even heard of. Somehow, I did know about alopecia long before I was diagnosed with it. I’m not sure how exactly. If I had to guess, I’d say it was from a Seventeen or YM magazine article (you know you grew up in the 90s if you know what YM is), or maybe an episode of Oprah? You get a wig! You get a wig! Who knows, but I’m glad I get to be part of the movement to spread awareness now.

Today’s post should be shortish and sweet. I want to take you back to Fall of 2016. Temps were dropping, leaves were turning, and my hair was growing back. Say whaaaaat? You heard me right. My hair was back bitch (insert Britney Spears giphy here). I don’t know if the rest of the bald population experiences this, but when I’m not wearing my wig, I’m rubbing my head allllll the time. It has become a nervous habit of sorts. I was so used to feeling nothing but skin that I was in shock the day I thought I felt a thin layer of peach fuzz. I grabbed my iphone and positioned myself in front of a mirror to snap a pic. Which is shockingly harder than one would think. I zoomed in and sure as shit there it was…REGROWTH! Up until this point, I assumed regrowth was an urban legend in the alopecia universalis world. Sure I had heard stories of people going into spontaneous remission and growing their hair back. Was it possible that I was about to become one of those people who got to tell the same tale? Each day I would take a new picture and each day there was MORE HAIR! I started to refer to it as my hair Yamaka because it bore a little resemblance to one. I was so scared that one wrong move would cause it all to fall out again. At the same time, I started to get excited. I imagined it growing long enough to get extensions, and never having to wear a wig again. I even had my hair extension specialist picked out. I followed her posts on Instagram excited for the day that I could make my appointment.

That year I went back to Ohio for Christmas and New Year. When I got back to Denver, it took approximately one week for all of my regrowth to fall out. One freakin week… Once again I felt betrayed by my body. It felt like such a cruel joke. I was so excited for 3ish months, and in one week it was all ripped away from me again. I don’t know if something happened during that Ohio trip that caused my body to freak the fuck out again, or if it was just completely random. I will never know.

First week after Christmas/NYE break 😦 January 2017

That experience taught me that I do not want my hair to grow back unless there is a 1000000000% chance it will never fall out again. I’d rather be bald for the rest of my life than get my hopes up only to have them bashed all over again. The roller coaster of emotions that comes along with growth/loss is one that I’d prefer not to ride. My emotions take me on enough roller coaster rides that I think I’m set for a lifetime.

Baldie Boo

Adventures of an Alopecian

Tag: alopecia totalis